I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
