One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
