that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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