why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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