The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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