Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
