Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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