why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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