direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
