Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
dude. I can hear the air.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
