apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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