he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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