Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
