things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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