dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
