oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
