I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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