how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
