She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
