she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
