The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
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You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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