at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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