Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
