i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
