Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
