I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
