Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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