They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
