matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
