Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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