Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
