i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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