She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
