either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
