Moan for me like Helen Keller
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
not ubering you a puppy
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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