im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
