i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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