I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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