Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
