Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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