Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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