Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
