Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
