He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
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Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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