Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
