I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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