I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
