i barfeds in our rink
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I supernannyed him into submission
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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