You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
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I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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