OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
