im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
