he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
