I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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