we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Floor bacon is actually really good
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
