I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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